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Vanya Has A Problem

__31.05.2003 @ 18:28_______

One day Chupto was sat at home watching reruns of blockbusters on cable TV.

"Can I have a an E please Bob?" came from the television's speakers. Chupto chuckled and then rather quickly felt ashamed of himself.

The phone rang. Chupto strained to reach it and pick it up.

"Hola" said Chupto.

"Chupto! I need your help. You have to come over to my place. It's an emergency. Quickly. I really mean it. Pleeeease!" babbled the voice on the other end of the line.

"Slow Down!" shouted Chupto. "First of all, who the fuck is this?"

"It's Vanya. Come on please! I really need your help." replied the phone reciever.

"Ah ok" sighed Chupto. "Let me just see if this guy beats the gold run and I will be with you."

Vanya sighed and let out a reluctant "alright then" and hung up.

Chupto went back to watching Blockbusters. As it turned out, the stupid little student didn't beat the gold run. Chupto took great amusement in seeing him sitback down and scowl at the teddy bear he had brought along for luck.

Chupto reluctantly got up and walked over to Vanya's. Upon arriving at the bottom of her garden Vanya ran out of her front door and dragged him back inside.

"Christ woman. what is it?" said Chupto. He really was rather annoyed at being summoned over here like this.

"I've had a bit of an accident and i need your help to sort it out" siad Vanya. Her cheeks were bright red and she was clearly very embarressed.

"You look okay to me. What has happened?"

"Well.... I have some chewing gum in my hair." Vanya was clearly having to force herself to tell Chupto.

"What? You called me over here for that? Where is it anyway? I don't see it?"

"Um...... well it's not the hair on my head"

Chupto took a moment to compute the information.

"Oh. Shit!" he exclaimed then stifled a laugh.

"Don't laugh! It's very serious!" shouted Vanya.

"Yeah i guess so" said Chupto still harbouring a smile. "How did that happen then?"

"I was in the shower. Just chewing gum, and i slipped and i spat the gum out. Somehow it ended up. Well you know, down there" said Vanya.

"Well that seems like a very unlikely thing to happen." said Chupto.

"I know. Thats irrelevant now anyway. It's happened and we have to sort it out!" shouted Vanya. She was getting herself into quite a state.

"Okay, okay. Well um... to what degree is it stuck there?" asked Chupto. He was still finding it hard not to laugh.

"Um. Well i guess you could call it firmly entrenched."

At this point Chupto was unable to stop himself cracking up. His laughter was only curtailed by a very dirty look from Vanya.

Chupto composed himself. "Right. Well I think i read somewhere that if you put peanut butter on chewing gum it comes out of hair really easily. Have you got any?"

Vanya looked shocked. "You are suggesting i smear my er..... pubic area with peanut butter?"

"Yes. Have you got any or not?"

"I think so."

Vanya went off to the kitchen and Chupto followed. Vanya opened a cupboard and took out a jar.

"It's crunchy. Does that matter?" she asked.

"I have no idea. Give it a go." replied Chupto.

Vanya reluctantly took a knife from a drawer and took it along with the jar into the downstairs toilet and shut the door.

Chupto passed the time by imagining the fun he would have with this tale in future years. 5 minutes later Vanya emerged from the toilet looking depressed.

"No luck?" asked Chupto.

"Now I just stink of peanut butter down there" said Vanya, clearly crestfallen.

"Ah right. Sorry. Worth a try though right?"

"I suppose so. What now?"

"isn't freezing chewing gum meant to make it easy to get out?"

"Is it? How do i do that though when you take into consideration where this particular piece of chewing gum is stuck?"

"I dunno. Open the freezer door and gyrate your hips?" said Chupto with a giggle.

"Fuck it. I'll do it" said Vanya as she walked over to the freezer.

"Shame you don't have one of those long flat freezers. You could have lied down in it!" giggled Chupto.

"Oh fuck off! Get out of here while i try this please!" said Vanya as she began to undo her belt.

Chupto went and sat in Vanya's living room and laughed as imagined the scene going on in the kitchen. He couldn't believe Vanya was genuinely trying it. After a few minutes Vanya called to him from the kitchen. Chupto got up and went back in.

"Well that was a fucking waste of time!" shrieked Vanya

"Well..... duh" laughed Chupto.

"You bastard! I can't believe you actually got me to do that. What do i do now?"

"Well did you try just taking a pair of scissors to it?" asked Chupto.

"Yeah. It hurt. I gave up pretty quickly."

"Well I'm afraid it looks like it will be the only way." Chupto went over to the kitchen cutlery drawer and removed a knife and passed it to Vanya.

"Get to it lassy" he said.

Vanya took the scissors from Chupto and sighed.

"Ok. I think you are taking far too much pleasure in my discomfort though"

"Probably so" said Chupto with a wide grin.

Vanya headed upstairs and into her bedroom. Chupto returned to the living room and turned on TV. Blockbusters was on again. Chupto settled back into his chair to watch. Every time he heard a cry of pain from upstairs he giggled.

Eventually Vanya came downstairs. Chupto looked up at her expectantly.

"Well?" he asked.

"Hold out your hand" said Vanya. Chupto did so unthinkingly. Vanya took her own hand from behind her back and dropped something into Chupto's.

Chupto looked down. In his hand was a small furry ball. Chupto let out a cry of disgust and instinctively dropped it to the floor.

"Ha!" shouted Vanya with a wide grin on her face.

"You bitch!" laughed Chupto. "Oh well i guess that is this particular problem solved then. "I would take a shower if i were you though. Peanut Butter stink. Not attractive."

"Yeah i suppose. You know whats strange though" said Vanya.

"What?" asked Chupto.

"Now it is gone, I kinda miss it."

The End

Note to readers: Join my notify list fuckers.

Inspiration For This Tale: Miss Siobhan Pritchard. (If I had followed her suggestion entirely this story would have been even dirtier)

Sensory Input For This Tale: Tricky - Vulnerable

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