__27.03.2003 @ 18:42_______
Val Kilmer was sat at home one day watching his bigscreen television. An especially interesting documentary about the mating habits of north african bees. Val didn't like to admit it to himself but he was getting quite the sexual thrill from it. Nutbar sat beside him bored out of his mind. His balls had been chopped off when he was a mere puppy so the thought of copulating bees did not inspire much in him.
The documentary ended and Val slipped off to his bedroom for a wank leaving Nutbar alone. Nutbar tried to ignore the strained grunting noises and went to investigate his food bowl. Val had neglected to leave him any food. Again. Nutbar began to wonder he stayed with the man. He rarely got fed and walks were sporadic at best. He didn't even like the man much. So in a split second he decided to leave. Nutbar went to his kennel and collected his things (an ancient toy bone and a picture of Lassie). As he made his way to the front door he considered leaving a note but rejected the idea. "Let the bastard worry" he thought and with that he stepped outside the door and was away.
Nutbar had never liked the Hollywood neighbourhood that Val chose to live in. Most of the dogs seemed to be prissy arrogant types. His only friend was Jambo who belonged to Sidney Poitier. They had met one day when both chased the same car and a lifelong friendship was formed.
Nutbar headed over to the Poitier household to see if Jambo was about. He snuck through the gap in the fence and found Jambo laid on the Poitier patio.
Jambo got up and ran to greet him.
"Alright mate! whats shakin'?" he enquired genially.
"I'm going away for a while and i wondered if you wanted to come along."
"oh really? are you sure that is wise?" asked Jambo with a geniune concern for his friend's wellbeing.
"Hell Yes! I hate that fuck Kilmer. Now are you coming or not?"
"I'm afraid i have to say no my friend. I have it good here. Poitier feeds me doughnuts and rubs my belly pretty much all the time. why would i want to give that up?" said Jambo weakly. He knew it was not the right answer.
"Oh. Right. Well I guess thats your choice. I'll be going then" sighed Nutbar and he walked off back the way he had come.
Jambo let out a relieved sigh. Nutbar was known for his psychotic outbursts when he didnt get his way so this was quite a big relief. It was then he heard the words "Fucking Retard" shouted from the other side of the fence.
Nutbar thought about shouting a few more obscenities but decided against it. He wasn't sure what to do now. Jambo had abandoned him so he truly was alone in the world. The next logical step would be to follow his nose and see what happens. So that is what Nutbar did.
As it turned out Nutbar's nose led him to downtown Hollywood. There was a group of about four people stood around so Nutbar went over to sniff their feet. A big mistake as it turned out. They were Hare Krishna's. The next 20 minutes were spent trying to get Nutbar to say "Gouranga". Everytime he turned around to run away there was another one. Nutbar was surrounded.
Eventually Nutbar jumped up and bit one on the arse. He tore out quite a chunk. Rather extreme actions yes but justified in Nutbar's view.
Nutbar ran back home. It seemed to be the only viable option. When he got there he discovered Val was still in his room and the strained grunting was still going on. Nutbar sat back down by the TV, sighed and went to sleep.
The End.
Inspiration For This Tale:
Sensory Input For This Tale: David Holmes - Come Get It I Got It
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